Today is one of those days that I ask myself, I ask God, "Why?" It is one of those days where I look from the present perspective and shout "I've failed again!" It is a day where I acknowledge the mistakes I've made as a parent and wish I hadn't made them. I think of all the things I should've done differently and how, if I'd listened to my instincts more in the early days, and not the "advice" of others, things might've turned out better. I don't want to look to the future today, because my mind is focused on "the worst".
Today, I wonder why I do it? Why do I put my kids and my hopes for their future before what I want to do in life or what I want out of life? Why do I give them all that I do, when there appears to be no point, no value, no reward in doing so.
My kids are spoiled. Granted I can stand back and look at kids in general and say, "Y'know my kids are actually pretty good kids." Today, I don't want to do that. The fact is they are spoiled. They are expectant. They are deceptive and mischievous. They are mean and spiteful! They are selfish and greedy. And I'm just supposed to accept it and tolerate it, because they're just being kids. I ask them to do something and all of a sudden they are hungry, or can't do it because it is too hard, or won't do it because the other person isn't doing it. It doesn't matter if it is a chore, school work, or just something simple.
I'm not expecting them to be perfect. I'm not perfect either. And that is my problem. I've failed at building good character qualities in them. I've failed at leading them to be responsible, respectful, and helpful. I've failed to fill them with positive attitudes and love, compassion, and consideration.
I know that isn't completely true and that other people constantly compliment my kids. However, as their mom, I see them at their worst. And it isn't pretty. I pray it doesn't get uglier as they get older. I pray I'm not that ugly. Not from a physical perspective. I'm average. From a spiritual perspective, the perspective that matters most.
Today, I feel somewhat hopeless and pitiful. It is easy to think of all that I could accomplish, without them, even if it was just sending them to public school all day. Why not let someone else raise them. They show more respect to others than to me anyway. Right? The truth is, I know that is not the answer to solve this dilemma. It may alleviate some of the symptoms, but it won't take care of the root of the issue. Granted, all that "free time" would mean I'd actually have a clean house and be able to pursue my own interests. Sounds ideal! It also sounds selfish, for me. Not for everyone. For some people it is what is right and best. For me, it comes from a selfish heart. I don't want to do the difficult parenting, especially when I don't know what to do and I'm afraid of just making things even worse than they already are. It has happened before. I love my kids as unconditionally as I know how to and wouldn't really want to lose any of them for any reason. It's just one of those days where I feel crushed and overwhelmed.
I know in my heart I am not alone, and that God sees what I cannot. I know that not all our days will be this low. Not all of our memories will be negative. I also know that I'm not alone, because all parents have days like these. I just wish they weren't so frequent. This is one of those times where I need God more than average. I'm thankful that He never leaves us or forsakes us and He carries the burdens we give over to Him. I just need to let go.