Friday, November 15, 2013

Nov 15, 2013

I will be honest, I've been in an off again on again funk lately. Is it the weather? Could be, considering, I really don't like being cold. Maybe it is the shorter days. It wouldn't surprise me. I can admit that my lack of personal fulfillment is a reason. Another thing that it could be is knowing that my kids are getting older and the battles that rage on both with them and in me along the journey.

I look at my children, each of them, and realize time is slipping away and some days it seems faster than it did before. I wonder, am I giving them all that they truly need? Am I building strong relationships with them? Do they have confidence, faith, and independence? Most importantly, do they know that I love them?

There are nights, as I lie in bed, when sleep evades me and I think upon the events of the day, I actually have to ask myself, did I hug them all? Did I tell them all, "I love you"? I think about how I yelled or replay in slow motion the way I crushed them with a word, an action, or the lack thereof. It seems like no matter how hard I try to grow, learn, and be a better parent, I often mess things up. When sleep struggles to find me, I battle with the visions of how empty they might feel as they lay in their beds.

Not all days are so dark and dreary, though, I do often find it difficult to remember. I have it pretty easy compared to many of my friends. None of my children have any serious issues that call for a team of medical, psychological, or other types of professionals. I know I am richly blessed and hopefully I am a much better parent than I think that I am. It isn't even about how I compare to other parents, but about how full my children's hearts are at the end of the day.

When I lay there, nothing else matters to me, than "Do they know I love them? Did I show them? Did I tell them?" It doesn't matter what lessons we did or didn't do. It doesn't matter where we did or didn't go. It doesn't matter what we did or didn't accomplish. If the house is a disaster, if the day didn't go by my script, it doesn't matter. I do not know when we will no longer be together, no longer have the opportunity to fill their hearts. They days speed away over and over again.  .