Thursday, December 11, 2014

I'm No Better Than You

This week my blessings and I have been sick. It's funny how when we are, we long to be healthy again so we can do all those things that we really aren't going to do once we are healthy again.

Of course, I, being the day dreamer that I am, constantly think about things I will never really do. That could be why, in reality, I never really do them. I tend to blend in so well with the crowd to the point, just as in Princess Diaries, I feel literally invisible. I am like a shadow. A memory of the distant past, easily forgotten. Dust in the wind.

Looking at my life, I don't really do much of anything. And I know people who would hush me for that. "Come on! You're raising 5 children. You're homeschooling. You have a small farm. Of course your doing a lot of things!"

I get it, but I don't completely agree. I could be, and should be, doing more. Yes, I'm raising 5 kids, but most days I feel like we got through by the skin of our teeth. (BTW where does that phrase even come from?) Yes, I'm homeschooling, but I don't see my children flourishing. Yes, I have a small farm with my husband, but I don't interact with my animals everyday. My husband does a lot with them too. He certainly knows more about them. I'm just a grunt. He tells me what to feed the animals and I do it. I'm not some amazing farmer. I'm just the wife of one. I'm just the mom of children with amazing potential. I'm just... here.

I'm not exceptionally good at anything. I'm not extremely talented. I'm not super healthy always making my own bread, buying only organic, making sure my kids get outside everyday, hair, clothes, home, and face perfect all the time. Nope. Not supermom. I am just an ordinary woman with my own faults and weaknesses. Who is trying my best to be and do the best I can, hoping I don't ever make someone else feel like they don't live up to me, because I am not that amazing, all while trying not to be squished by those who would condemn me for my imperfections and those who would exalt me because my seemingly superbness. 

I'm a competitive person, I'll admit, but I don't want to compete for the best mom, homemaker, wife, farmer, crunchy lady, etc.. etc.. award. I just want to finally be at peace with my life as it is regardless of you and yours and how our lives compare. I want that for you too.

Strange thing is, I started this post, pittying myself over the fact that, once again I'd been forgotten on a list of people for something. Yes, I said again. It happens often enough. It made me think about how little of an impression I seem to leave on people and I felt disappointed. Not wanting to be depressing, though, I tried thinking of positive things people have said about me and that led to me remembering the false impressions some people have of me. We all have false impressions of each other, even if it is something small.

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